Two Questions
I am regularly refining my process of asking questions.
Asking questions helps me to have a curious spirit. This is an important trait when helping people resolve conflict. Being curious reminds me to stay humble. I do not understand the whole story. I may not see the bigger picture.
The types of questions that I ask help to illuminate the path I need to take through the forest of conflict. As I walk this delicate trail, I must know which question to ask when there is a fork in the road.
Before there are lasting solutions there must first be understanding of the issues. If there is no care for listening, it is difficult to move forward. Being curious puts me in a place of truly wanting to understand what is beneath the surface. If the root cause of conflict is not discovered, the fruit of an outcome may not be as sweet.
Every mediator has their own style in how they work with parties to get to the root of the issues. In the beginning of almost every mediation I ask parties to answer two initial questions. One at a time, and uninterrupted, each is given an opportunity to respond.
“What brought you here?”
If I am working in an official mediation I will ask, “What brought you to court?” or “What brought you to mediation?” This question helps me to gather details of the case, some key elements of the story, and sometimes a little about what each person wants.
I use this same approach when someone who knows what I do asks, “Can I talk to you?” My first question usually is, “What brought you to me?” I want to know a little about what has transpired to bring us to this moment in time. I can usually hear a little about whether the conflict is still fresh or whether it has been brewing for years. I can usually determine whether this conflict is taking a toll on other parts of their life.
“What do you hope for?”
This question sometimes takes people by surprise. In conflict there is not a lot of hope floating around. I heard a counselor once say that they "lend out their hope when there is none". This resonated with me. Although a mediator is not a counselor, this has become a valuable lens for me as well.
Usually this question is two-fold and worded in a way that asks, “What are you hoping for today?” and “What do you hope going forward?” These are in fact two different questions.
The first hope question helps me to gauge expectations for the mediation itself. It empowers parties. It signals that the situation can look different tomorrow then it does today. The second hope question serves to illuminate a possible path to a forward-facing momentum. It implies a certain sense of confidence. The message of hope says that even if things are uncertain now, there might be steps taken to bring clarity for the future.
Considering hope
These two mediation questions have been helpful in my practice. Asking "what brought you here? can be a good way to start helping people. Asking people to consider hope can be a way to introduce peace into their situation.
These questions might set the tone for a conversation, give you genuine curiosity, and help people who are in conflict strive for a peaceful tomorrow.
